Just Enough

My brain hurts. I’ve spent approximately twenty hours the last ten days or so sitting in front of my computer working frantically on my novel between loads of laundry, cooking for meals, walking my dogs, cleaning my house and running necessary errands. I’ve been avoiding getting together with friends. I’ve avoided pretty much anything that isn’t absolutely necessary to life, just so I can keep writing.

But now I’m tapped out in the creativity department. They say inspiration comes with persistence. And I can attest to that being true. The more I work on my fictional world, the more in-focus it all becomes and all systems are a go. I’m forging ahead. So many ideas my fingers can scarcely keep up.

But physically I’m drained. I’m frustrated with my body because I want to keep going forward. I feel the urgency of my self-imposed deadline approaching rapidly—to swiftly for my liking. My shoulders are aching from sitting too long scrunched in front of my computer. I have neck problems and my fingers are clumsy on the keyboard. My brain is becoming sluggish—slow to find the words I need to describe certain situations to my liking. I’m starting to think I need to take a break. But how can I afford to do that? I might lose my momentum! The ideas could slip away never to be found again! My novel may never actually get finished. I’ll be a failure. One more project lying in the doldrums waiting to be finished.

I can just see these words engraved on my gravestone: She was great at starting things.

I have wonderful ideas. At least I think I do. And generally I am self motivated to start them and maintain them, but it seems like my interest/enthusiasm/urgency wanes the longer I have to work at finishing them.

Take my hypothetical Walk Across Canada. I had great visions of maintaining a steady update on my progress. I did that fairly well for the first year. But it seems when I crossed the first anniversary date I just kind of wanted to move on from that, even though I still haven’t finished walking “across” Canada yet. I haven’t posted my states in a couple months. I can’t seem to drum up the enthusiasm for it anymore, even though I’m still walking daily. (According to my Fitbit notifications, I’ve surpassed the 4800 km mark over the last 14 months of walking. And have walked the length of the Sahara Desert. Nifty.  But it’s not the length of Canada yet.)

So on top of walking a steady average of 14000-17000 steps a day, I’m trying to write 2000 words a day.

I’m hoping to finish the first dang draft of my novel, which I’ve titled for the time being “Finding Joy”. (Well actually it’s the 3rd first draft of my novel as I’ve already written a 100,000 word first draft, but it didn’t work, so I started again, then started over again, and now have started again—but I like this one, I think it’s got real potential—I just need to make it happen!)

In writing I hope to shed some light on parts of motherhood that few still talk about openly. The story is about a woman who’s lost herself—figuratively speaking and literally speaking. I’m setting it on a mountainside in northern Canada during a winter snowstorm. A case of severe hypothermia. There will be an attempted rescue by a concerned citizen, who risks their own life to save another. I’m covering some heavy topics such as Postpartum Depression/Rage, murder and suicide, and mental illness. I’m hoping to include diverse Canadian cultures, faith, and spirituality and commonality between women of ages and backgrounds. My desire is that joy will be found by the end.

And I’m tired. It’s a bit depressing writing about depression during a depressing time of year. HA!

It is March and the sun is staying longer, but this is the time of year the internal solar-powered battery that feeds me doses of energy has become sorely depleted and doesn’t have hardly enough juice to get me through the days. It’ll take another two months before it’s fully charged up—judging from previous years. This is a low time for me. I struggle with the blues daily. Sometimes I’m fending off attacks of despair within an inch of my life. I know I should be doing certain things to fight back, but right now, it’s almost too much to even care. Still I take my daily dose of Vitamin D. Charge up using synthetic sunlight lamps. Occasionally take the time to visit with friends. Get fresh air and exercise multiple times a day. Watch funny shows like the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and Brooklin 99. I find myself laughing at the sometimes raucous and ill-couth humour and feel temporarily lighter and happier.

Laughter really can be the best of medicines! I’ve found joy is the biggest weapon to fight off despair and hopelessness. And joy can be found in many unsuspecting places. It doesn’t have to be big. Any little bit of joy you find, can be just enough. I find it in hugs. I find it in frost crystals. I find it in smiles. I find it in petting my dog’s ears. I find it in a cup of perfectly brewed tea.  A letter coming from a dear friend. Red tulips on my kitchen window sill.  A phone call.  A funny meme on Facebook.

I also check in with myself periodically. Ask: Do you think you need medication again? Is it that bad yet? This year the answer has been not yet. You’ve got this. Hang on. And maybe I’m fooling myself. I guess we shall see in a couple months if I can shake the SAD out of my system with the advent of spring and more sunshine.

To coincide with all this, Daylight Saving Time started this week. Need I say more? It’s a like a slap in the face or a punch to the guts. A shock to the system. In a few months it’ll be all fine and dandy and I’ll actually appreciate it. However for right now… Ugh. It hurts!

In other news Spring Break is beginning today and in a few hours and my son will be off school for two whole weeks. Which means he’ll be in my space, needing attention all the time. Drive him here. Arrange play dates. Spend quality time. Etcetera, etcetera …

I think it just might be time to take a break from the writing and focus on other things for a short time.

And you, dear reader can keep me motivated to return to my writing project and finish it, by asking me how it’s coming along. Keep me accountable and all that. I would appreciate it!

Cheers!